I just want to be honest...

I thought I'd start by being honest. It took three days. That's all. Three days for my bolstered faith to plummet. Three days for my "yes" to become a "Nope!". Three days to quit. I wish it weren't so. Let me explain. This summer on vacation I feel like God spoke to me. It wasn't a resounding voice. It wasn't weird. It wasn't even from the Bible. I happened to be at a beach house, which had a little library with a book I'd heard about. It was called "Choosing to See". The author was someone I admire (Mary Beth Chapman) and I was told it was a good read, so I dove in. Hours later, I knew. This book, on this shelf, was meant for ME. God was pulling my heart to adopt again, and confirming the tug I had felt since the beginning of the year. Honestly though, I had other plans in mind. I had better things to spend my money on. Things were just getting easier. WHY WOULD I WANT TO MAKE THINGS MORE DIFFICULT? But after prayer and much discussion with my Dan and our kids (Dan read the book in a couple of hours--that he even picked up the book was a miracle!), I knew. A little girl needed a family, specifically our family. So I said yes. I was pretty excited and I knew God was going to take care of it all!

Fast forward three days. We were home. I woke up on Monday morning in a complete panic! What were we thinking?? I thought," I am almost 40! We already have 4 kids! The cost is way beyond our means! How will I manage more laundry? What will our parents say? What will our friends say? What if I die? What if Dan dies? What if she doesn't like me? What if I don't like her? (just being honest)" I knew there was no way God wanted me to do this! It was impossible! I quit! I needed fresh air, so I grabbed the iPod and struck out. I breathed. I prayed. I panicked. I worried. I panicked some more. I prayed some more. Then I decided to listen to a sermon from the Church at Brooke Hills. I knew that would distract me. I chose a random one and almost turned it off because I could tell it wasn't Platt preaching. But I kept listening. Then this is what I heard (paraphrased), "Turn in your Bible to Psalm 46. This morning I want to talk to you about fear. But first I want to show you a picture. This is a picture of my wife and me last week in China picking up our baby girl. (crowd ooh's and ahh's). Last night I had the privilege of waking up with her in the middle of the night. Yes, you heard me, I said privilege. You see, I realized as I went into her room that this was the first time she ever had a father to comfort her when she was scared. This was the first time she had a father hold her when she cried. I am her father and she needed me." Tears streamed down my face. As he continued to preach on fear and how God is our refuge and strength, I knew this was God's whisper to my heart. Of all the random sermons, this was the one I chose to listen to?? Yes, and I could do this. A little girl needed a dad. And a mom. And family. Yes, He wanted me to do this. Even if it was hard, He was and is in control. There is no need to be afraid. I was reminded that morning that when I am faithless, He is faithful. When I am weak, He is strong. When I say "I can't", He says, "I can". When I say "too much", He says, "Not for me".

 So here I am, four months later, longing for my little girl. Praying that she is safe. Praying that God will do what seems, to me, impossible. I wish I could tell you differently. I wish I could claim a strength that I see in so many others. I wish my faith did not falter. I wish I didn't make so many mistakes. I wish I weren't so . . . . frail and fickle and faithless and fearful. But I am. My God, however, is not. He gave me this verse which I repeat often, Psalm 56:3-4, "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid." I know there are so many other things to pray for. I know there are many great causes to support. But, please pray for us as we continue down this road. The paperwork is immense. The cost is daunting and the fear rears its ugly head at unexpected times. I just want to bring my little girl home.